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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-22-2013, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Talking My joke of the day!

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Latvian men and 1 Latvian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Latvian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Latvian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.


The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.



Sacre Bleu, je suis hopes that no one is racially offended by the above,

Last edited by Britmick; 11-22-2013 at 10:14 AM.
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-22-2013, 05:34 PM
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And two months later the two Englishmen are the only ones who aren't dead, in a blind stupor, or haven't contracted sexually transmitted diseases. And they're still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

Arion

"Plan? Plan! There ain't no plan."
Pig Killer, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-22-2013, 07:06 PM
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Victoria, I'd like you to meet Nigel and Edward.

Edward and Nigel, Victoria.


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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Wink

I think if Edward & Nigel are ex college boys they will already be having their own relationship & forming a coalition Government to rule the island & have put Victoria's name down as the main contender to keep the indigenous white race in supremacy!!!
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room that is going to be redecorated in the convent for a visit from the Pope.







The last instruction from Mother Superior is they must not as much as spill a drop on their habits.







After conferring about this for a while, the nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.







In the middle of the project, there is a knock at the door.







“Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns.







“It’s the blind man”, replies a voice from the other side of the door.







The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.







They open the door.







“Nice tits”, says the man, “ Where do you want the blinds?”
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 01:53 PM
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The Spoon: A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

"Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?” “Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

Arion

"Plan? Plan! There ain't no plan."
Pig Killer, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
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Talking I stole this joke from the Brit Versys site!

Thanks Kiwi!!!


Chili Cook-off.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then you must be laying on a mortuary table.
I am a slow typist and has taken me half my life to write this --enjoy.

This is an actual account as reported to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. They actually have a cook-off about the time Halloween comes around, in a car park at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge#3 was an inexperienced Chili master named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently i was honoured to be selected as a Judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick and at the last moment i happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coor's Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldnt be all that spicy, and, besides,they told me i would have free beer during the tasting, so i accepted and became judge #3.

Here are some of the scorecard notes from the event.
CHILI #1 MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
judge #1 -- A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
judge #3 -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff?. You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
CHILI #2 AUSTINS AFTERBURNER CHILI
judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously
judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. Im not sure what im supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
judge #2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
judge#3 -- Call the EPA. Ive located a uranium spill.my nose feels like ive been snorting Drano. Every-
body knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before i ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting **** faced from
all the beer.

CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disapointing.
judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of
a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping accross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn your taste buds? Sally, the beer maid was standing behind me with fresh refills.
This 300 lb woman is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste im eating!.
Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
judge #1 -- Meaty, srong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable lick. Very
impressive.
judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peepers
make a strong statement.
judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring of my forehead and i cannot focus my eyes. I
farted and some people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when i told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from the pitcher. I wonder if i am burning my
lips of. It really pisses me off that the other judges ask me to stop screaming. Screw
them

CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
judge#1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
judge#2 -- The best yet. aggresive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Suprb.
judge#3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric fumes. I pooped on
myself when i farted, and im now worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me, except that Sally. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI #7 SUSANA'S SCREAMING SENSATIONAL CHILI
judge #1-- A mediocre chili with to much reiance on canned peppers.
judge#2 -- Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment.
** i should take note that i am worried about judge#3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin. I wouldnt feel a thing. Ive lost
sight in one eye and the world seems like its made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy they will know what killed me. Ive decided to stop
breathing, its to painful. Screw it, im not getting any oxygen anyway. If i need air, i'll
just suck it through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 BIG TOMS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
judge#1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili. Not to bold but spicy enough to declare
its existance.
judge#2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down over
himself. Not sure if hes going to make it poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted
to a really hot chili?
judge#3 -- No report
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-29-2014, 11:45 PM
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Well shucks,, Britmick if you were to come over here to Texas and eat our chilli you could run your V for a whole year just off the fumes ,, just PLEASE let my ride in the front of the pack !!!!!! p.s. use habaneros there not to hot
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 01-30-2014, 09:01 PM
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Garage
The Warden has a rather large and scary prisoner brought into his office.

Sternly looking at the prisoner the warden says;
I heard you took advantage of Justin Bieber the other day.

The prisoner looks at the warden and says;
Never heard of him.

Then the warden pulls out a photo and holds it up to the prisoner and says;
Take a good look, this is him. Does this refresh your memory?

The prisoner looks at the photo and says;
Nope! Never seen him.

The warden says;
take a close look!!!

The prisoner says:
Nope! doesn't ring a bell!

The warden now getting frustrated and spitting angry, he starts shaking the picture up and down! He yells!
TAKE A CLOSE LOOK!!!!

The prisoner looks at the picture as it's moving up and down and say:
OH! Now I recognize him.

2009 Blue Versys.
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I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-06-2014, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!



I'm still looking for a place to live.
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