A Joke a Day Thread - Kawasaki Versys Forum
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post #1 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-24-2013, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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A Joke a Day Thread

Post your best jokes on here, & here's a few jokes at the expense of the laydees.............sorry RN, you can tell us where we went wrong later!!!


A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.”
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!

Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?”

WIFE: "In the pool"

-------------------------------------------------------------
A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.

This is a frightening statistic, Probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental Illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

-------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blond wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.

He showed her the phone, and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

-------------------------------------------------------------
HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:

"And God promised men that good and obedient wives
would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round,
and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
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post #2 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-24-2013, 10:46 AM
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A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
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post #3 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-24-2013, 10:56 AM
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Texas Hospitality

Dallas Air Traffic Control:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."

Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air:
"DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC:
"Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!!
WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC:
Well, bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now --- ya hear?"

2009 Blue Versys.
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I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
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post #4 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-26-2013, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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creative defense

A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this creative defense:




"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles Your Honour.




His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb?"


"Well put," the judge replied.



"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment!
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."


The defendant smiled.


With his lawyer's assistance.. he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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post #5 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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Exclamation

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:




WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.



FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Feel free to join in guys, & even tho' the French Canadians are well known for having no sense of humour, tell us about your frogs legs!!!!
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post #6 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 05:07 PM
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Q: How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a woman's job.
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post #7 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Bonza joke Cobber!!!
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post #8 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 05:49 PM
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Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his rented but new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Lardthunderin!", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"
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post #9 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 06:10 PM
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This is one I heard on radio many years ago.

A young Kiwi sports fan who was also a devout Christian was praying to God one day, " dear God as you know I live in Auckland, NZ but my favourite sports team plays a lot of games in Sydney, Australia which is a distance of 1340 miles and I cant afford the flights, God could you please build me a bridge between the two countries so I can watch my sports team as I can afford to drive" God replies " son in this world we have murders, wars, famine's, great unsolved mysteries, so I believe you should be focusing your prayers on these things".

Young kiwi thought about it for a minute " God could you please then explain to me one of life's mystery's, explain to me how the mind of a women works?"

Very long pause from God then the reply came " how many lanes would you like on your bridge"
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post #10 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 06:28 PM
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Okay, I'll bite.

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one because the world revolves around them.

Just to show you I can take as good as I give, my husband told me this one...

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

A: She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

(I then asked him, "What the hell do you mean by that?" LOL!!!!!)
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post #11 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 06:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RN Barb View Post
Okay, I'll bite.

Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one because the world revolves around them.

Just to show you I can take as good as I give, my husband told me this one...

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

A: She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

(I then asked him, "What the hell do you mean by that?" LOL!!!!!)
Love it, Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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post #12 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-27-2013, 06:38 PM
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FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


My wife agrees with above statements so its probably not a joke but truth!!
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post #13 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 03:53 PM
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Heard this on 'morning radio' when I was stationed in Ottawa on C-130s back in '70....

Fellow starts to suspect his girlfriend is "stepping-out" with one of the pilots at the Airbase, so he asks if she's been dating a pilot...?

"Negative" she replied.


Ed
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post #14 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 04:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi 41 View Post
Love it, Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
That reminds me .... did you know 95% of Harleys are still on the road ...... the other 5% made it home
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post #15 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 04:40 PM
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Ever seen a Harley tool kit?


and a
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post #16 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by MaverickAus View Post
Ever seen a Harley tool kit?


and a
Nice one cuz
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post #17 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-28-2013, 07:48 PM
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A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
The priest fainted
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post #18 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-29-2013, 02:49 AM
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A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'
The priest fainted
Cracker
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post #19 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-29-2013, 05:51 AM
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Feel free to join in guys, & even tho' the French Canadians are well known for having no sense of humour, tell us about your frogs legs!!!!

Frog legs are one of the better-known delicacies of French (France, Europe) and Cantonese cuisine. That's another miss after gun laws which we couldn't care less about ... Excellent jokes though.
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post #20 of 31 (permalink) Old 09-29-2013, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Frog legs are one of the better-known delicacies of French (France, Europe) and Cantonese cuisine. That's another miss after gun laws which we couldn't care less about ... Excellent jokes though.
So where's votre joke Pierre???

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