"second thoughts" on becoming a father - Kawasaki Versys Forum
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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"second thoughts" on becoming a father

Im 29, 30 in April 2013. My current girlfriend is 9 years my senior(and I never let her forget it - LOL) She has a daughter who is 12 this July. The last 2 years have been really great and we'll probably end up hitched soon.

I've always wanted kids of my own...but for some reason now I'm having second thoughts. There are a few reasons.
A: her age. It's getting more dangerous for her to have children as she gets older, as her first pregnancy was high risk anyway due to high blood pressure she has had all her life.
B: for some reason about 10 years ago, she had herself well..."clamped". So this would require undoing at our expense in order to have a family.
C: her daughter. Even though she isn't MINE, she is very much a part of my life and I love every minute of it. Turning 12 is a turning point because she is considered an adult in the eyes of the court and can make her own decisions regarding visitation with her father. Her father is in her life also, and is a decent guy. We get along, but I don't respect him due to some of the choices he's made in life. But he takes his daughter when he is supposed to and treats her well and supports her so I get along with him for that.

So with my girlfriend's daughter being around and the age that she is, and the other things in the list it makes me wonder if I really want to start from scratch. In 6 years her daughter will be off to college and we could be "free" so to speak. I have a great job and no debt and some pretty good savings in the bank so I would love to only have to work part time.

Thoughts?? I mean, anyone here ever have a change of heart like mine? Perhaps the other direction?
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 11:58 AM
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Sounds like it's going pretty good to me.Relax and enjoy what you have and if you still feel the need. later on adoption is always an option without the health risk to your girlfriend.

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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 12:41 PM
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I have two sons and wouldn't change that if I could. I split with their mom about 10 years ago and have them every other weekend now.

I got remarried and my new wife had no interest in having kids but is a great step mom to mine. I feel like I have the best of both worlds now. Having young kids really brings a lot of stress into a relationship. It is very nice to come home after a long day and just relax without worrying about being in charge of another/multiple little people.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 12:43 PM
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I wasn't really interested in having kids until I got to my mid thirties. Like you, I was on the fence, but I knew our window of opportunity was closing so we gave it a shot. We had a boy and it really is the most rewarding experience of my life. My only regret is that we didn't have a kid sooner as I'm now 41 and my boy is 3 and he tires me out!!


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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 12:52 PM
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I'm 50ish with a four-year old and love it.

You're young enough where he (she?) would be in college when you're my age, leaving you plenty of time to play.

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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 12:54 PM
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also, if the cause of the high BP is a mystery, have her renal (kidney) arteries scanned to see if she has FMD, where the artery walls bead up. No medicine cures a physical block.

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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 01:38 PM
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Might want to also consider what she is thinking. Sounds like she made the decision to not have more kids. Did she change her mind for her or for you?
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 01:51 PM
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[QUOTE=weljo2001;202271...later on adoption is always an option without the health risk to your girlfriend.[/QUOTE]

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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Might want to also consider what she is thinking. Sounds like she made the decision to not have more kids. Did she change her mind for her or for you?
She was at a time in her life where she had been through her divorce and it was very rough. She had made the decision that she didn't think she would ever meet someone whom she wanted to have a family with again. Guess I should feel pretty honored...which I do!

I've considered adoption as well...but then my thoughts go back to being selfish. If I have a child, I would really like it to be my blood. Girl or boy, but a bit preferred.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 02:30 PM
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I was almost 33 when we had our son. He is now 29 and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Yes I was scared ----less. But it was great. He started playing hockey at five and we were on the road together for years. Can't wait for the first grandchild. Both my "sister" and I are adopted and we got two wonderful parents who gave us lots of love. They are both gone now and we miss them both very much. I guess what I am trying to say is that either way you go, you can't go wrong. But I do understand the health concerns, and maybe adoption would be the better way to go for your wife's sake. Heaven forbid you should lose her. Just my two cents worth.
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 03:09 PM
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I got married in August last year. I've always wanted kids, my wife has never really had a strong desire to have kids, but is not opposed to it either. I'll be 39 this year, and she'll be 37. She has been more inclined to adopt. I'm not opposed to it, but would like to have one of our own too. We're fast approaching the age where complications become a greater possibility. We're not making our minds up on anything at the moment, and just seeing what unfolds. Not sure what this adds to the discussion, other than allowing me to share what's happening in my life around kids right now.

I think that whatever happens, for any of us, has it's pros and cons, it's challenges and rewards. I trust that whatever works out for me, will be exactly as it was meant to be, and I trust the same is true for you too.

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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-04-2012, 04:00 PM
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Being a dad has been joyfully rewarding for me. Whether you make one of your own or adopt one who needs a family, it can be great. Will you ever be ready? Probably not. I'm a careful planner and there have been plenty of things I wasn't ready for, but that's part of the fun.


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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-08-2012, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Forgot to thank everyone for their input. It's much appreciated.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-08-2012, 11:22 AM
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x's 3 on the adoption idea... IMO there is no logical reason for people to have their own kids when they can adopt. There are so many children out there that could benefit from your constructive and positive lifestyle.

No worry about wrecking her body with another kid, and you don't have to go through the 9 months of watching her in agony.

In my book (keep in mind I do not have a kid) this is the perfect option.

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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-10-2012, 02:01 AM
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x's 3 on the adoption idea... IMO there is no logical reason for people to have their own kids when they can adopt. There are so many children out there that could benefit from your constructive and positive lifestyle.
This is totally my wife's thinking too...I'm on board with it, but until she and I started dating I had always imagined having my own kids...I think we (as humans in general) tend to get attached to the idea of our own offspring. I wonder why that is?

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post #16 of 16 (permalink) Old 06-10-2012, 02:09 AM
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I think we (as humans in general) tend to get attached to the idea of our own offspring. I wonder why that is?

Not me never wanted kids...I enjoy being Uncle Joe. Not PaPa Joe.

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