I used the wordier ad for craigs list and a slightly shorter version for few other websites. Any fliers or printed ads that I have done are cut down similar to what you wrote up, but I like your write up better. If you don't mind I am going to use it to update a few of my listings. Thanks!
No worries...happy to help. It is funny, the more information you give people, the more desperate they think you are. I do not totally understand the psychology of it, but if you give a little good info, stand firm on price, and do not act like you have to sell anytime soon (Even if you do...) things go your way.
I have tried it both ways, and the fewer pics, the less said, the better the response. I sold a 21" cut lawn mower today. Put it on Craigslist this afternoon. Already gone at full asking price. There was not much to the ad, a few pics, gone. Vehicles are tougher, because you have to find "That Guy" who wants what you have, understands the love you put into it, and wants to keep it just like it is, or make some minor improvements but not much else.
I had an '08 XR650 Supermoto, had it in craigslist a while, wasn't impatient, ended up trading some cash and the XR for the 09 Versys...and I think I made out really well. Patience make the difference.
I wish you all the best. Be patient, "That Guy" is out there...and he wants your bike.