Joke of the day - Kawasaki Versys Forum
Off Topic Discussions For all of your off topic talk and just general B.S. Jokes, funny stories, etc...

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post #1 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-24-2011, 09:12 AM Thread Starter
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Joke of the day

Ok, I haven't seen a thread like this here yet. Forgive me if it does exist, I'll take my lumps accordingly if warranted.

I have a moderately stressful job and a bunch of other garbage to deal with from day to day. Riding my V to work and back gives me enjoyment and lowers my stress level, but y'know, a good decent joke on a daily basis is a good thing for the stress level too. I get the occasional one on the e-mail, but far to infrequent. I figure you folks are a funny bunch, so let's share.

Here's the rules:

1. Post one joke per day. If you have more than one to contribute, save 'em and spread 'em out. If 10 jokes are posted the same day (from different members) the more the better.

2. The joke needs to be worded. Let's have the funny pics and videos on other threads (which are really great btw).

3. Any topic is allowed in the joke as long as it is relatively clean and not unduly offensive. We don't want to unnecessarily honk off our fellow riders here - gal or guy. The goal is to make each other laugh. We don't need to argue on this thread please.

4. No repeats on this thread! (yes, jokes from other threads are allowed)

Ok, consider the stage open

.

.
Life without GOD is like an unsharpened pencil...........
It has NO point
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post #2 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-24-2011, 09:13 AM Thread Starter
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(For you men be very very careful if you decide to use this one)

You ask a dumb question, you get a dumb answer!

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe
her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I,
J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
Hot.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....

What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............

.
Life without GOD is like an unsharpened pencil...........
It has NO point
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post #3 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-24-2011, 02:35 PM
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

Ride To Live, Live To Ride....no, really!
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post #4 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-24-2011, 04:11 PM
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.
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post #5 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-24-2011, 05:10 PM
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Think!

In the men's room at work, the boss had placed a sign directly above the
sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and
right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully
lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

Yeah, it's bad!

EDIT....It's a day later, maybe this will redeem me a little.....
A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Ohmigod! No sh..?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!"

Don't Get Cabin Fever!
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Last edited by Grandpa Ron; 06-25-2011 at 07:47 AM.
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post #6 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-26-2011, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
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A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm

He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb"!

.
Life without GOD is like an unsharpened pencil...........
It has NO point
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post #7 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-26-2011, 09:18 PM
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This one will take a while!

On the Church bulletin board:

-- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

-- Tuesday at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

-- Wednesday, the Relief Society will meet. Sister Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the bishop.

-- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All those wishing to become little mothers please meet the bishop in his office.

-- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Sister Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the podium.

-- On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

-- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

-- A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

-- Sign outside a church: "Sermon for Sunday: What is Hell like?"
Just below was the message: "Come in and hear our choir sing."

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

- Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

- Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- Bishop Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.


- The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- A large billboard on the road in NY State: "When you can't sleep, don't count sheep, talk to the shepherd."

- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Don't Get Cabin Fever!
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post #8 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-27-2011, 06:53 AM Thread Starter
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Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

.
Life without GOD is like an unsharpened pencil...........
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post #9 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 06:18 PM
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Fallen

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

Don't Get Cabin Fever!
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post #10 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 08:10 PM Thread Starter
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A bright, young, fresh-out-of- school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders; like the Enron or WorldCom guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and the taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on in his obnoxious way.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi,"the I.R.S....and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

.
Life without GOD is like an unsharpened pencil...........
It has NO point
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post #11 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-29-2011, 10:17 AM
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With the constant barrage of news about terrorists and illegal immigration, this comes to mind (with no intent to insult).

BEWILDERED TEXAN

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist
fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because
of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because
of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

Arion

"Plan? Plan! There ain't no plan."
Pig Killer, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
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post #12 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-29-2011, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

.
Life without GOD is like an unsharpened pencil...........
It has NO point
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post #13 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-30-2011, 08:32 PM
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Walk the Walk

THE YELLOW LIGHT
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless.

Larry aka Charliedog
Bristol, TN


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post #14 of 64 (permalink) Old 06-30-2011, 10:32 PM
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Goodun CharlieDog, thanks for the chuckle.
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post #15 of 64 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 09:34 AM
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

2009 Blue Versys.
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I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
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post #16 of 64 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 10:58 AM
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A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him

up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible..............


No wait... Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh*t.
Never mind


Ride To Live, Live To Ride....no, really!
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post #17 of 64 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 12:09 PM
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NO OFFENCE MEANT IN ANY WAY TO ANYONE. JUST A JOKE.


Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

"Believe me guys. I went through this with my KIWI 41 family just a week ago and it was fun. I speak English and they too speck English"

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post #18 of 64 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 02:23 PM
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To add a bit to the regional flavor of humor, here's a Down East Maine story.

Bert: Willard, I heah yah had ta shoot yur dog.

Willard: Ayuh, that I did.

Bert: Were he mad?

Willard: Wull, he weren't too dammed pleased about it.

Arion

"Plan? Plan! There ain't no plan."
Pig Killer, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
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post #19 of 64 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 02:32 PM
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A one armed blonde is hanging from a tree. How can you make her fall? You wave at her!

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I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
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post #20 of 64 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 02:38 PM
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

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I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
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