need a laugh, read this - Kawasaki Versys Forum
Off Topic Discussions For all of your off topic talk and just general B.S. Jokes, funny stories, etc...

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 05:12 AM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
need a laugh, read this

To a select few who will appreciate the warped sense of humor

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

_
> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

> A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

> Qo you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
kiwi 41 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 05:27 AM
Member
 
Daedalus62's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lisbon/Portugal
Posts: 101
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Thanks Kiwi...

Great sense of humor...
Daedalus62 is offline  
post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 05:38 AM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
For those not aware 'Kings cross' is Sydneys red light district. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kings_C...ew_South_Wales
kiwi 41 is offline  
post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 05:44 AM
Member
 
weljo2001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Norwalk CA
Posts: 15,506
Mentioned: 6 Post(s)
Garage
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi 41 View Post
For those not aware 'Kings cross' is Sydneys red light district. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kings_C...ew_South_Wales
Well then I'll be at the hippo races and as they said "naked" wearing just a smile.

2009 Blue Versys.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Sold
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My Farkles...
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
...
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My Video Channel
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My Photos...
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
weljo2001 is offline  
post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 05:54 AM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by weljo2001 View Post
Well then I'll be at the hippo races and as they said "naked" wearing just a smile.
Yep, you would fit right in Joseph
kiwi 41 is offline  
post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 06:04 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: San Pedro de Alcantara
Posts: 539
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Love it!!! Itīs a shame that in the Uk we have such stupid people...tho not as many as the USA .

I donīt think the UK would be even allowed to publish something like that for fear of offending anyone and getting sued in the process.
spainy is offline  
post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 06:05 AM
Member
 
Bones's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: western Massachusetts
Posts: 1,788
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Q: Do motorcyclists have to ride on the left side of the road? (USA)

A: Only in King's Cross in order to avoid the hippo races and pedestrians exiting the Vienna Boys' Choir concerts. (Remember you have to sit on the right side of the motorcycle.)


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


[SIZE="1"]Ride. Good.


2003 ST1300ABS
2008 Versys
IBA 59868
Bones is offline  
post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 06:07 AM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
keep it up bones that was good
kiwi 41 is offline  
post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 06:11 AM
Member
 
weljo2001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Norwalk CA
Posts: 15,506
Mentioned: 6 Post(s)
Garage
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi 41 View Post
Yep, you would fit right in Joseph
Just trying to work on my Social Skills..

2009 Blue Versys.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Sold
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My Farkles...
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
...
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My Video Channel
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My Photos...
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
weljo2001 is offline  
post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 06:38 AM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
Here is one for the Kiwis

Why New Zealand is in Trouble*



The population of this country is 4 million


2 million are retired


That leaves 2 million to do the work


There are 1.5 million in school


Leaving 500,000 to do the work


Of these, 450,000 are "employed" by the government


So there's only* 50,000* to do the work


4000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden


Which leaves just 46,600 to do the work


Take from that total the 10,000 unemployed people


Leaving just 36,600 left to do the work


At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals


Leaving 17,800 to do the work


Currently we have 17,798 people in prisons


That leaves just* two people* to do the work


You and me

*
And there you are*

*
Sitting on your **bottom*

*
At the computer, reading jokes*

*
Nice..... Real nice.*
kiwi 41 is offline  
post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 08:02 AM
Member
 
Bones's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: western Massachusetts
Posts: 1,788
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Q: I am concerned about my family's safety. Are all Australians still convicts? (USA)

A: Yes, but our program of mainstreaming all convicts into the general population means you can hardly tell the difference. You may wish to exercise heightened situational awareness around motorcyclists, particularly in the vicinity of King's Cross following the hippo races and Vienna Boys' Choir concerts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


[SIZE="1"]Ride. Good.


2003 ST1300ABS
2008 Versys
IBA 59868
Bones is offline  
post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 08:03 AM
Member
 
El Tig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Eastern NC
Posts: 1,444
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Those are a riot! I especially like:

"All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets."

:-P

Ride To Live, Live To Ride....no, really!
El Tig is offline  
post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 08:18 AM
Member
 
KnoxvegasMike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 228
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi 41 View Post
For those not aware 'Kings cross' is Sydneys red light district. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kings_C...ew_South_Wales
My wife and I spent 10 days in Australia, 4 of which were in Kings Cross. Lol, awesome time. Between the strippers propositioning my wife and the drunk Aborigines we had a great time.

Side note... we went in October of 2001, right after 9/11. Talk about an empty plane ride. I kept all the newspapers we got in Australia talking about the US striking back...

2003 BMW R1100S Boxer Cup Prep (sold)
2004 Suzuki SV650 (sold, wish I hadn't)
2009 Kawasaki Versys (commuter/dragon slayer)
Future bike: Ducati Sport 1000S (just because
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
)
KnoxvegasMike is offline  
post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 09:53 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Plano, TX
Posts: 374
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Sounds just like people asking about Texas.

Do you all ride horses there?

Is there a Hitching post in front of every home?

How long does it take to hook the team to the Wagon in the morning?

Do you really like cooking out by a campfire every night?


Todd
tapntx is offline  
post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 10:02 AM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
Heck, now you tell me, thought everyone in Texas had a horse
kiwi 41 is offline  
post #16 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 10:07 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Plano, TX
Posts: 374
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi 41 View Post
Heck, now you tell me, thought everyone in Texas had a horse

Hehe, an Iron Horse, and those new fangled horseless carriages that dont leave poop on the street

Todd
tapntx is offline  
post #17 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
The state of Texas is still bigger than most country's
Texas 268,581 sq miles
New Zealand 103,483 sq miles

Last edited by kiwi 41; 11-04-2010 at 10:31 AM.
kiwi 41 is offline  
post #18 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 11:58 AM
Member
 
Pretbek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 739
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Kiwi, you had me cracking up! It is especially funny that this was posted on an official tourism website.
Great humour!

I like the additional Q & As too, good going Bones.
Pretbek is offline  
post #19 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
Super Moderator
 
kiwi 41's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: 44.24'S 171.15'E Timaru, NewZealand
Posts: 8,619
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Send a message via Skype™ to kiwi 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pretbek View Post
Kiwi, you had me cracking up! It is especially funny that this was posted on an official tourism website.
Great humour!

I like the additional Q & As too, good going Bones.
Yep down under we call it as we see it, it was probably Bones asking the questions on that website
kiwi 41 is offline  
post #20 of 40 (permalink) Old 11-04-2010, 12:31 PM
Member
 
Bones's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: western Massachusetts
Posts: 1,788
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwi 41 View Post
... it was probably Bones asking the questions on that website
(Curses...foiled again...)

Q: I want to have dinner with Crocodile Dundee. How often does he come back to Sydney from walkabout? (Netherlands)

A: Mr. Dundee operates on his own calendar, although often it coincides with the Great Migration of salt water crocodiles from Perth to Sydney. Stick to the railroad tracks and you're bound to run into him.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


[SIZE="1"]Ride. Good.


2003 ST1300ABS
2008 Versys
IBA 59868
Bones is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Kawasaki Versys Forum forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome