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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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The Electric Fence

Subject: The Electric Fence
Here's a funny story I received in an E-mail, hope it makes you laugh!

The Electric Fence
We have the standard six foot fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an eight foot long ground rod, and drove it seven and a half feet into the ground.

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 HP big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still....
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied three different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM you just crap your pants three times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning eight grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe two seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But, Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like nine volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The eight foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... Pleeeeaze let me die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner' s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted;
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right);
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think;
4 - My left eye will not open;
5 - My right eye will not close;
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that; and
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long now;
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)!

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

(I just took the time to 'edit' this SUPER FUNNY post!)
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Last edited by fasteddiecopeman; 12-03-2016 at 01:53 PM.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 11:28 AM
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Well, that's a good way to test a fence. Hope you are Ok and you must be a very Lucky guys.

God be with you sir and get well soon.

& dont try it again.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 11:46 AM
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Thats funny, I don't know who felt more pain, you hanging on to that wire pissin yourself - or me - busting a lung loose laughing my a$$ off. I kept thinking there was a punch line coming. In reality I guess your lucky you lived to tell the story.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fastoman View Post
Well, that's a good way to test a fence. Hope you are Ok and you must be a very Lucky guys.

God be with you sir and get well soon.

& dont try it again.
Its not me, just a funny story I thought I would share.
Thanks for your concern though and may God be with you and yours!

Donn
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 01:24 PM
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Nytryder, that's the best laugh I had all day. Maybe six days.

But remember, an electric fence is just a game. In fact,


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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 05:13 PM
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I was laughing SO HARD that my wife thought I was having a seizure!

Ed
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 12:32 PM
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This needs to be shared

I too laughed so hard tears came to my eyes, some guest was viewing this.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 01:54 PM
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I just edited it, then sent it out to family and friends!

Ed
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