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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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Joke of the day

So my boss sends me funny emails every morning and this is the one for today.


THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the
little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold..'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy,
'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside
and have some short game practice. The boy says,
'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is far more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh#t with me again.
You're in my closet now!'

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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 11:50 AM
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What do you call a Mexican woman with only one tooth????

Juanita..............
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 03:50 PM
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Did you know that the "toothbrush" was invented in Arkansas...?


ANYWHERE else it would have been called a "teethbrush"...!


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'08 V AZ, '15 V650LT BC
Ride to D2D 2013, June '13

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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 05:28 PM
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Men will understand this.

Wife calls her husband and asks if he will stop at the market on his way home and pick up a gallon of milk. She then says, "And if they have avocados, get six." When he came home with seven gallons of milk she was flabbergasted and said, " Why on earth did you buy seven gallons of milk?" He (quite understandably) said, "They had avocados."
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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-17-2016, 05:44 PM
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551179_457207880977622_1733375444_n by weljo2001, on Flickr

2009 Blue Versys.
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I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
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"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 08:51 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arion View Post
Men will understand this.

Wife calls her husband and asks if he will stop at the market on his way home and pick up a gallon of milk. She then says, "And if they have avocados, get six." When he came home with seven gallons of milk she was flabbergasted and said, " Why on earth did you buy seven gallons of milk?" He (quite understandably) said, "They had avocados."
Silvie dodged this bullet now didn't he

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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 09:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stversys View Post
Silvie dodged this bullet now didn't he
nope, my husband is as bad as a blond......
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yes im a guy.
Silvie=latin for. Of the forest /woods. Fox= Vulpine (also my middle name)

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"closed mindedness causes bliss in simple minded people"
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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 11:12 AM Thread Starter
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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies,and taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".

Everything above is true. Yet she still gets the Democratic votes. Could there be that many stupid people in this country???
Does anyone understand this??? I think we're doomed !!!
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 05:15 PM
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Donald Trump is giving narcissism a bad name.―Madeline Begun Kane

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

Last edited by twowheels; 02-18-2016 at 05:24 PM.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 08:29 PM
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A SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case
character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 10:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kawdawg View Post

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
there is a space in there.....
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yes im a guy.
Silvie=latin for. Of the forest /woods. Fox= Vulpine (also my middle name)

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"closed mindedness causes bliss in simple minded people"
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post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 10:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stversys View Post
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies,and taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
Trump: "No the other one:"
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".

Everything above is true. Yet she still gets the Democratic votes. Could there be that many stupid people in this country???
Does anyone understand this??? I think we're doomed !!!
you look like a Grape man...
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post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 10:35 PM
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"Could there be that many stupid people in this country???"

Yep, most of them live around me for some cruel unknown reason..
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post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 05:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stversys View Post
Everything above is true.
Was that the punchline?

The fact that you believe that "joke" is proof positive that Goebbels knew what he was talking about.
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post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 09:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stud Muffin View Post
"Could there be that many stupid people in this country???"

Yep, most of them live around me for some cruel unknown reason..
As the saying goes,
If you can't identify the "weird neighbor", it's probably you.

I'm fortunate, all of my neighbors are cool.
hmmmm..........

STUPID IS THE NEW NORMAL
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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 09:31 AM
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Well they say there's one in every village Ray, & l'm glad you've identified yourself as "the one!"

Back to the jokes folks;
So this blonde walks into a bar

"Ouch!"

2 more blondes walk into the same bar

"Ouch"...."Ouch!"
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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 02:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by my2wheels View Post
So this blonde walks into a bar

"Ouch!"

2 more blondes walk into the same bar

"Ouch"...."Ouch!"
Is that anything like the Trump speech:

2 Corinthians walk into a bar...?
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 03:07 PM
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A guy meet a girl in a bar

Things go well and they go back to his place

They start going at it hot & heavy

She takes her clothes off and lays back on the bed

She gazes up and tells him

Give me 12 inches and hurt me

So he gives her 6 inches twice & hits her in the head with a brick.

2009 Blue Versys.
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I'm not a Gynecologist. "But I'll Take A Look"

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth...
Mike Tyson

"Ya'll can go to hell, I'm goin' to Texas!"...Davey Crockett
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 04:05 PM
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My last one night stand asked me to give her 12 inches Joe, as well as hurt her!!!

I told her l wasn't chopping 3" off my **** for her or anyone & left!!!

That DID hurt her!!!!!
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-21-2016, 07:48 AM
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A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks...
"So, why the long face?"
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